*** DISCLAIMER – Don’t read if you have a weak stomach or are offended easy *** 

Porcelain toilets, Private Masturbation and the Freedom to Eat Whatever the Hell You Want; these are the small things in life that we don’t miss until they are gone.

We often go through life taking advantage of some of these small things like running water, clean underwear, eating out, eating her out and Netflix just to name a few.

We become a habit to our society. Things just don’t seem as exciting as they once were.  Take anything that you do on a normal basis and remember the first time you did it. That spark and excitement just isn’t like it used to be.

There is an old saying “you don’t know what you got until it’s gone”, well this couldn’t be any truer.

I’m going to talk about three of the biggest things that 90% of military guys miss when they are deployed.

  1. Porcelain Toilets – It might sound crazy, but 6 months shitting in a hole in the desert will really make you miss the smooth, cool feel of a toilet seat touching your ass cheeks. There is just something divine about relieving your bowels in comfort.

I remember on the way back from my first deployment we made a stop in Germany. When we got off the plane it was a mad dash to 2 places, the beer line and the bathroom.  One of the coolest things about European countries is you have this neat little mini toilette that splashes water on your butt making you feel extra clean, extra fresh and ready for anything the day might throw at you. – America we need to get with the program –

  1. Masturbating in Private – There is nothing more annoying than being 3 months into a deployment with all guys and being sexually frustrated. We don’t have many options when it comes to private time because we don’t really get any. We really only have 3 choices.

We can take care of business during the day in a porta john while it is 150 degrees and have “Wagoner Loves the Cock” graffiti staring at us while trying to flip through a Maxim magazine. The problem with this is by the time you get done you are sweating bullets and you come out looking like you just went swimming in there. It’s a great way to lose about 15 pounds.

Another option is to wait until the night shift in the guard tower. You have to be very discreet and quiet. You don’t have any reading material and have to time it just right in order to not get caught. It also helps keep you awake at the wee hours of the night.

The last and 3rd option is to discreetly pleasure yourself while in your sleeping bag. The trick is to wait until everyone around you is asleep and then casual play with yourself. There will be a couple scares throughout the night due to mouth breathers waking themselves up, so you will have to play the stroking off as if you are rolling over real quick trying to get comfortable. Oh, the struggle of being a male.

  1. Freedom of Eating Whatever the Hell You Want

Contrary to popular belief we don’t always get Outback Steakhouse on deployment. The food we get would make a pig croak. Jambalaya, Veggie Meals, Tortellini – they might sound somewhat normal but don’t let the names fool you. Whoever’s sick idea it was to name MRE’s after normal food can rot in hell. The only way you can even stomach these things is if you mix EVERYTHING together. The only good thing about them is they come with a self-activating heater that you can warm the food up in. So instead of having cold animal puke you can warm it up so it slides down your throat faster.

Three months in we get used to it and that’s when we really start fighting over parts of the MRE. They even have a MRE Cookbook floating around the internet somewhere. Someone actually took the time to mix different meals together in order to make these things somewhat tolerable. Every bite we take we just imagine a nice warm juicy steak or big bowl of zesty spaghetti. It doesn’t make the food taste any better but hey we can always dream.

After eating those things for 7 months straight your bowels are all messed up. MRE’s are designed to keep you plugged up so you don’t have to shit every day. It hardens your bowels and when you do have to go to the bathroom, you REALLY go to the bathroom. This is why when we come home from deployment we rush to the burger joint, taco bell, steak houses etc. The only problem with this is we will then suffer for the next 2 weeks in the bathroom as our stomach is comprehending what the hell is going on.

If you have managed to make it through this article then you are a little bit more knowledgeable on what goes through our head when we get home from deployment. If you know or live with someone who is in the military, have a little patience with them when they get home from deployment. If they seem a little distant it has nothing to do with you, its culture shock all over again.  It’s like putting a monkey on the streets of downtown Manhattan and telling him to be like everyone else.  Not to mention the mental effect a deployment may have had on them, but that’s a whole different story.

My final thought: Don’t’ take advantage of the small things in life. You never know what may happen in the future and life as you know it could be taken away from you in a heartbeat.